I married the Eiffel tower

I love documentaries. I'll pretty much watch them about anything. And if they're telling me something I don't know much about - even better. You could say I'm somewhat of a fan.

Last night however I had all my expectations superceded, by "I married the Eiffel Tower" on Channel Five.


I had the same 'this has got to be a fucking joke' feeling as the first time I watched "This is Spinal Tap" or "Brass Eye", and what made it all the better this time was that this wasn't actually intended as a mockumentary.

To explain a little. The documentary was about people that are referred to as 'objectum sexuals'. They only have intimate relationships with objects, and interestingly all of them are women. They were 'in the closet' for years, however - god bless the Internet - they have been bought out of their shells and formed online friendships and communities.

For the most part the experience of viewing was one of disbelief and raucous laughter, although at times I was just truly shamed to watch. Not least when the main protagonist went back to Paris to 'consummate' her marriage with Mrs (yes, it's a lesbian objectum sexual romance) Eiffel Tower. As she straddled a steel girder, the wind blew her skirt just a fraction up her thigh to reveal that no - she wasn't wearing any knickers. She moaned and groaned about how she could feel the towers coldness merging with her body, all the while small French children walking past, looking up at her confused and wondering "why can't I climb on the tower like that lady is?"

The tilting camera shots were a treat. They swept from the bottom of the objects upwards, elongating them and leaving you in awe of just how monumental and phallic they were. If you told me it was a porn camera-persons first foray into the documentary world I wouldn't have been at all shocked.

I'll leave you with some choice quotes from the program. Put them in your memory bank, they're keepers...

"It's so awkward to have a professional relationship with an ex."
- Lady #1 on using her archery bow again three years after they broke up.

"Let's just say this - there's something physical going on here."
- Lady #1 explaining what was going on between her and a small picket fence she'd stumbled (and straddled) across. The tart already had two at home.

"I want your fluids"
- Lady #2 as she smears the grease from a fair ground ride all over her face.